Question: I’m invited to a home which is generally non-kosher, but the host promised me that everything will be kosher. What should I do?
Answer: There is no simple answer to this question because there are many variants, both technical and emotional. Technically, we have to determine what are the potential problems at a non-kosher home, can it be guaranteed that the host, with all of his good intentions, will be able to overcome them, do we trust the host to keep his promise, and what happens if some rules have been broken or requirements not met. Emotionally, we must consider both sides. We have to be careful not to insult the host by turning down the invitation or by showing up and suddenly remembering that we are fasting, and also careful not to force the guests to eat something which they think is non-kosher, and which will cause them guilt and remorse later.
Let us start with the emotional element. If you feel that all the halakhic deliberations will not convince you that you are allowed to eat at your friend’s house, don’t go or don’t eat there. There are many ways to do it, though, and you should choose one which is not offensive. You could say that you cannot make it that day, or that you are a vegetarian, vegan, lactose intolerant, gluten intolerant, or whatever-food-you-don’t-want-to-eat intolerant. You could also tell your friend the truth: I love and respect you and I cherish our relationship, but I simply cannot eat at your home, even if technically everything will be kosher. It’s not about you, it’s about me. If your friend really wants you to taste his food, maybe he will agree to come over to you and cook in your house. If you can manage such a negotiation without hurting his feelings or harming the relationship, this is wonderful, but have in mind that people do not always reveal their true feelings, and that your friend may be deeply hurt without showing it.
If you chose to accept the invitation, there are two main questions you will have to ask yourself:
- Do I trust my friend to not deceive me?
- Do I trust my friend to be able to adhere to the laws of Kashrut?
The first answer is one we deal with regularly. Our society is based on trust, and we constantly, even if only subconsciously, determine how much do we trust those who provide us with goods and services. We trust oncoming traffic to stop at the light, doctors to be knowledgeable and certified, and teachers to be educators. We trust babysitters, online vendors, and reviews on Yelp, Amazon and Google. We also trust people in the food industry to serve us clean, uncontaminated food, though, if we looked behind the scenes at a restaurant or catered event, we would probably pass on many delectable delicacies. Just as an example, I recall that while praying Minha behind the curtains at a wedding in Brooklyn, the staff was busy setting the buffet. One worker was transferring sushi pieces one by one, with gloved hands, from his cart to the plate, when the cart’s wheels got stuck. He bowed down, and with the gloved hand pulled from the wheel grime and hairs which blocked it, and then returned to placing the pieces, with the same glove, on the plate (no sushi for me that night!). We trust, of course, that such incidents do not happen at our favorite eateries without our knowledge.
But, you will say, this never happens in the Kosher world. The food may not be very clean, but if there is a certificate on the wall, a Mashgiach on premises, and a seal [or three, or ten] on the package, it must be kosher. Unfortunately, this is not so. The more rigorous the supervision is, the more expensive it becomes, and as a result, the incentive to deceive is greater. The orthodox world was shocked in 2006 when it was found that a kosher butcher in Monsey, NY, deceived his clients for eight years, and even gave free (non-kosher) meat to needy orthodox families before Shabbat. Similarly, several years ago, a main purveyor of Kosher meat in Los Angeles used the 15 minutes his Mashgiach took for Shaharit break to bring on truckloads of non-kosher meat. In that last case, the Mashgiach was also guilty, because he was part of a permanent supervision system and was not allowed to leave his post for prayers.
To summarize the discussion so far, one should be careful not to hurt the host’s feelings, but is not obligated to go against his beliefs and sensitivities. One should do the research and determine where to draw the line. We also saw that trust is a subjective matter, which does not seem to be controlled by legislation. Tomorrow we will discuss the seminal ruling of R. Moshe Feinstein on the matter and will continue to review potential problems with the Kashrut of the food served at a non-kosher home.
