My Autistic Angel of Ascension

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Kehillat Ma’arav – The Westside Congregation in Santa Monica, CA, is seeking to fill

A Father’s Tribute to His Bar-Mitzvah

by Samuel Bendayan

“Kedoshim tihyu ki kadosh Ani”

“You shall be Holy, for I the L-rd your G-d am Holy.”

The word “holy” is probably one of the most misused and abused words in all of human history. I mean, we have “Holy Wars.” Enough said.

So I think the best way to approach this is to strip away all that misuse and abuse and go back to the beginning. What did the word “holy” originally mean? How was it important to the development of the human race? And finally, is it still relevant today?

First, let’s realize what holiness means to us at a reflex level. We gather in temples, or holy places to mark important occasions. When we go to these holy places we have to be at our best. We have to be on our best behavior and dress nicely, or at least modestly. We take these things for granted, but they offer important clues as to what holiness is.

The central idea behind holiness is that this world is not a playground; it is a battlefield of the soul. Mankind cannot stay static; we must either ascend or descend. Part of the proof of this is a quote from Rabbi Manis Friedman, who says: “Animals are content to be animals, plants are content to be plants, minerals are content to be minerals. But humans are not content to simply be human.” So we are constantly moving, either ascending or descending. To ascend requires effort, and simply removing this effort will cause one to descend.

My Autistic Angel of Ascension

So, how do we ascend? We need a model, a goal, and holiness is this goal. We start by realizing that we are a very small part of this Universe which G-d has created. Then we want to know and get closer to G-d. So, the concept of G-d is something bigger than ourselves that we want to be a part of. Indeed, our soul aspires to this; to return to the Creator where it once came from.

Once we see this, we realize right away the importance of holiness in human history. Before the concept of holiness, we were little more than animals, following our instincts and never thinking of the bigger picture. If our neighbor had something we wanted, we could simply club them over the head and take it. The strong would abuse the weak. Power was the law.

However, the struggle for power had an interesting side-effect; it caused humans to descend to the level of animals. The Torah came in and introduced holiness along with many limits to our behavior. These limits are intended to have us ascend and not descend. To make us free of our animal selves and allow us to progress to something greater. Holiness, then, is the founding principle of advanced civilization. To this day, the Ten Commandments are the benchmark which describes a “good neighborhood”, one we would all be happy to live in.

You may think “But we live in America. Land of the Free, where we can do whatever we want, right? We don’t like anyone placing limits on our behavior here.” This is absolutely wrong. The founding fathers were very religious people, who created our nation within a framework of religion, discipline, and hard work. And all of these place limits on our behavior. It’s only within these limits that freedom is to be found. Otherwise we are enslaved to our animal senses.

america the home of the free and the brave

So, is holiness relevant today? I would actually say that it is more relevant today than during most of human history. Why? Because we live in times of great prosperity, and during times like these it is very difficult to see the evil that still exists, and how holiness can keep us away from that evil. After all, during times of war, evil is obvious. When you see death and destruction everywhere you are filled with a sense of disappointment in ourselves and the need for us to ascend and do better. But, when you live in times such as these, when people can go to Disney World, where is the evil? And what exactly do we need to stay away from? Yet evil is still here, and it is much more dangerous because it is unseen. It is only in times like these when false prophets can push ideas such as the moral relativism that we have all been hearing in the last few decades.

This leads me to my son’s condition. Ilan has been suffering with autism for over 12 years now. The late Rebbe of the Lubavitcher movement, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, was once asked his opinion on autistic children. For those who don’t know the Rebbe, he was not just a Rabbi. He studied mathematics and engineering and had a scope of knowledge far beyond religion. He said 2 things about autistic children:

  1. Autistic children are closer to G-d than the rest of us.
  2. Their mission is to unite those around them.

Both of these statements left me absolutely floored.

Regarding the first statement, Ilan is a Soul who has never fully come down to earth, at least not yet. He is suspended somewhere between heaven and earth. He feels at home in the temple and can stay here for services that are hours long. Ilan is also missing his ego to a large extent. He never asks for anything, never gets bored, has no personal ambitions that I know of, and is always happy, unless he is in physical pain, which unfortunately is often. He deals with frustration better than anyone I have ever seen; so much so that I point him out to my other children as an example of how to pivot away from a frustrating situation.

The second statement is even more shocking. Ilan has literally brought dozens of people into our lives. Many therapists have given of their priceless time and kindness to help our son, and we will forever be grateful. I can’t count on how many strangers we have met, all because Ilan just went up to them and showed them some affection, and then we had to apologize for his behavior. Ilan is somehow able to transform the environment around him into one of peace and cooperation, all without saying a word.

This brings up an interesting point. We often see autism as a disability, and there is no getting around the fact that there are elements of disability here; there are many things that Ilan can’t do, and there is much pain that he suffers when others do not. However, what if this is only part of the story? What if autism is, in part, the next step of human evolution? Ilan, after all, is among the first generations born into a world of technology.

The world I grew up in was disconnected. When I was 7 years old I moved from Spain to the United States. In those days, when you moved, you moved. You completely disconnected from your old environment. There was no cable TV, no cell phones, no Internet, no news, and phone calls were expensive. But nowadays, no matter where you are, it is almost impossible to disconnect. What effect will this have on the children? No one knows, but some of these symptoms known as autism could be among those effects.

Finally, many people wonder what life is like with an autistic child. The truth is that anyone who has ever had an infant child in their home knows what it is like. The difference is that with autism, this period of infancy is extended indefinitely. Ilan slept through the night for the first time when he was 4 years old. To this day, at age 14, the house still needs to be on lockdown. All the rooms, cabinets, and refrigerators are locked. We don’t buy new living room furniture anymore because the last new set only lasted one year. To make matters worse, Ilan is a prankster, so this adds even more problems into the mix.

In spite of all this, Ilan is the light of our life. He is a spark of life bouncing off the walls of our house, constantly bringing happiness and laughter for no reason at all, which makes it even better.

Now, what happens to the parent mentally when you receive such a diagnosis? The first thing you are hit with is uncertainty. Life’s progress becomes suspended and you have no idea what the future will bring. Ilan may end up in a State-run assisted living home, or he may suddenly turn into a genius-savant and end up at MIT. Who knows? All this uncertainty and pain causes one to question many things, and the biggest question I asked myself is: “Why did G-d do this to me?” Many of us think that when we pray, we ask for what we want and G-d gives it to us. However, G-d definitely did not give me what I wanted, so there must be another answer.

I quickly thought that I must have done something really bad and that G-d was giving me what I deserved. This satisfied me for a while, but eventually I realized that this was not true either. The notion that G-d delights in judgment and is waiting for us to slip up so he can hit us over the head is mistaken, and in my case, was born out of frustration. If G-d really delighted in judgment, none of us would be alive. In the Jewish tradition we are told that G-d has four measures of compassion and one measure of Judgment, so the judgment is there, but is not foremost.

So, if I did not get what I wanted and I did not get what I deserved either, then what did I get? Why did G-d do this to me?

The answer came a long time later, when I realized that G-d gave me what I needed.

Needed?!? For what? Who needs this?

It is what I needed to ascend!

In the midst of all the uncertainty surrounding Ilan, there is one thing that is absolutely certain. Those of us around Ilan are no longer the same people. We have changed. So, G-d has created change in our lives. And this change has caused us to ascend.

My Autistic Angel of Ascension
My Angel of Ascension, Ilan.

And so, Ilan is leading us by example, helping us to ascend on the path of holiness. A path marked by G-d, my rock, in whom there is no unrighteousness.

Resources

Mourner’s Kaddish (Kaddish Yatom), traditionally said by mourners––that is, those who have lost a parent during the previous eleven months or a child, sibling, or spuce during the last thirty days––and by those observing the anniversary of the death of those close relatives. (In many contemporary communities, the full congregation says it in support of the mourners, and in memory of the six million Jews who perished during the Holocaust, assuming that at least one died on any given day.) The mourners Kaddish omits lines 7 and 8 of the Full Kaddish that asks God to answer our prayers, because presumably, God did not grant the mourner’s prayers that the relative recover and live).
אבל: יִתְגַּדַּל וְיִתְקַדַּשׁ שְׁמֵהּ רַבָּא
[קהל: אמן] בְּעָלְמָא דִּי בְרָא כִרְעוּתֵהּ וְיַמְלִיךְ מַלְכוּתֵהּ בְּחַיֵּיכון וּבְיומֵיכון וּבְחַיֵּי דְכָל בֵּית יִשרָאֵל בַּעֲגָלָא וּבִזְמַן קָרִיב, וְאִמְרוּ אָמֵן: [קהל: אמן] קהל ואבל: יְהֵא שְׁמֵהּ רַבָּא מְבָרַךְ לְעָלַם וּלְעָלְמֵי עָלְמַיָּא אבל: יִתְבָּרַךְ וְיִשְׁתַּבַּח וְיִתְפָּאַר וְיִתְרומַם וְיִתְנַשּא וְיִתְהַדָּר וְיִתְעַלֶּה וְיִתְהַלָּל שְׁמֵהּ דְּקֻדְשָׁא. בְּרִיךְ הוּא. [קהל: בריך הוא:] לְעֵלָּא מִן כָּל בִּרְכָתָא בעשי”ת: לְעֵלָּא לְעֵלָּא מִכָּל וְשִׁירָתָא תֻּשְׁבְּחָתָא וְנֶחֱמָתָא דַּאֲמִירָן בְּעָלְמָא. וְאִמְרוּ אָמֵן: [קהל: אמן] יְהֵא שְׁלָמָא רַבָּא מִן שְׁמַיָּא וְחַיִּים עָלֵינוּ וְעַל כָּל יִשרָאֵל. וְאִמְרוּ אָמֵן: [קהל: אמן] עושה שָׁלום בִּמְרומָיו הוּא יַעֲשה שָׁלום עָלֵינוּ וְעַל כָּל יִשרָאֵל וְאִמְרוּ אָמֵן: [קהל: אמן]

וְזֹ֖את הַתּוֹרָ֑ה אֲשֶׁר־שָׂ֣ם מֹשֶׁ֔ה לִפְנֵ֖י בְּנֵ֥י יִשְׂרָאֵֽל׃ תּוֹרָ֥ה צִוָּה־לָ֖נוּ מֹשֶׁ֑ה מוֹרָשָׁ֖ה קְהִלַּ֥ת יַעֲקֹֽב׃ הָאֵל֮ תָּמִ֢ים דַּ֫רְכּ֥וֹ אִמְרַֽת־יְהֹוָ֥ה צְרוּפָ֑ה מָגֵ֥ן ה֝֗וּא לְכֹ֤ל ׀ הַחֹסִ֬ים בּֽוֹ׃

Before reading the Torah:
הַשֵּׁם עִמָּכֶם.
יְבָרֶכְךָ הַשֵּׁם.
 

 .בָּרְכוּ אֶת יְהֹוָה הַמְּבֹרָךְ
.בָּרוּךְ יְהֹוָה הַמְּבֹרָךְ לְעוֹלָם וָעֶד
.בָּרוּךְ יְהֹוָה הַמְּבֹרָךְ לְעוֹלָם וָעֶד

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְהֹוָה, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר בָּחַר בָּנוּ מִכָּל הָעַמִּים וְנָתַן לָנוּ אֶת תּוֹרָתוֹ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְהֹוָה, נוֹתֵן הַתּוֹרָה:
 אמן.

After reading the Torah:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְהֹוָה, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר נָתַן לָנוּ אֶת תּוֹרָתוֹ תּוֹרַת אֱמֶת, וְחַיֵּי עוֹלָם נָטַע בְּתוֹכֵנוּ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְהֹוָה, נוֹתֵן הַתּוֹרָה:
אמן.

Beracha recited before the reading of the Haftara:

Mi Sheberach, the Jewish prayer for healing, is one of the most meaningful prayers in Judaism. It is a public prayer or blessing for an individual or group, most often recited in synagogue when the Torah is being read. 

He who blessed our fathers Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, Moses and Aaron, David and Solomon, may he heal ___ who is ill. May the Holy One, blessed be he, have mercy and speedily restore him to perfect health, both spiritual and physical; and let us say, Amen.

מִי שֶׁבֵּרַךְ אֲבוֹתֵֽינוּ, אַבְרָהָם יִצְחָק וְיַעֲקֹב, משֶׁה וְאַהֲרֹן, דָּוִד וּשְׁלֹמֹה, הוּא יְבָרֵךְ וִירַפֵּא אֶת הַחוֹלֶה ___. הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא יִמָּלֵא רַחֲמִים עָלָיו לְהַחֲלִימוֹ וּלְרַפֹּאתוֹ, לְהַחֲזִיקוֹ וּלְהַחֲיוֹתוֹ, וְיִשְׁלַח לוֹ מְהֵרָה רְפוּאָה שְׁלֵמָה, רְפוּאַת הַנֶּֽפֶשׁ וּרְפוּאַת הַגּוּף; וְנֹאמַר אָמֵן.

Tefilat HaDerech (Hebrew: תפילת הדרך), also known as the Traveler’s Prayer or Wayfarer’s Prayer in English, is a prayer for safe travel recited by Jews when traveling by air, sea, or long car trips. It is recited at the start of every journey, preferably standing, but this is not required. It is frequently inscribed on hamsas, which may also include the Shema or Birkat HaBayit prayer.

In the “Blessing of Thanksgiving” (Birkat HaGomel), persons in four different categories should express gratitude to God for His compassion toward them:
One who has done one of the following: a) traveled across the ocean (by an international flight, etc.); b) traversed the desert; c) recovered from a very serious illness; d) been released from prison.
All other potentially fatal circumstances that one escapes, such as a wall crumbling on him, an ox goring him, thieves, auto accidents, etc., fall under the category of desert.

The reader recites:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה’ אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם הַגּוֹמֵל לְחַיָּבִים טוֹבוֹת שֶׁגְּמָלַנִי כָּל טוֹב.

 
The congregations responds:

מִי שֶׁגְמַלְךָ כֹּל טוֹב הוּא יִגְמַלְךָ כֹּל טוֹב סֶלָה.

NameSymbolSephardi
Sof passukב׃‎סוֹף פָּסֽוּק‎
Sof pasuk
Etnachtaב֑‎אַתְנָ֑ח‎
Atnaḥ
Segolב֒‎סְגוֹלְתָּא֒‎
Segolta
Shalsheletב֓‎שַׁלְשֶׁ֓לֶת‎
Šalšeleþ
Zakef katanב֔‎זָקֵף קָט֔וֹן‎
Záqéf Qáţown
Zakef gadolב֕‎זָקֵף גָּד֕וֹל‎
Záqéf Ggádowl
Tifchaב֖‎טַרְחָ֖א‎
Tarḥa
Riviaב֗‎רְבִ֗יע‎
Revia
Zarkaב֮‎זַרְקָא֮‎
Zarqa
Pashtaב֙‎קַדְמָא֙‎
Qadma
Shene pashtinב֨‎ב֙‎תְּרֵ֨י קַדְמִין֙‎
Tere qadmin
Yetivב֚‎יְ֚תִיב‎
Yetiv
Tevirב֛‎תְּבִ֛יר‎
Tviyr
Pazerב֡‎פָּזֶר גָּד֡וֹל‎
Pazer gadol
Qarne farahב֟‎קַרְנֵי פָרָ֟ה‎
Qarne farah
Telisha gedolaב֠‎תִּ֠רְצָה‎
Tirtzah
Gereshב֜‎גְּרִ֜ישׁ‎
Gerish
Gershayimב֞‎שְׁנֵי גְרִישִׁ֞ין‎
Shene gerishin
Munachב׀‎פָּסֵ֣ק׀‎
Paseq
Merchaב֥‎מַאֲרִ֥יךְ‎
Maarich
Munachב֣‎שׁוֹפָר הוֹלֵ֣ךְ‎
Shofar holech
Mahpachב֤‎‏(שׁוֹפָר) מְהֻפָּ֤ךְ‎
(Shofar) mehuppach
Dargaב֧‎דַּרְגָּ֧א‎
Ddarggá
Kadmaב֨‎אַזְלָ֨א or קַדְמָ֨א‎
Azla or Qadma[18]
Telisha ketanaב֩‎תַּלְשָׁא֩‎
Talsha
Mercha kefulaב֦‎תְּרֵי טַעֲמֵ֦י‎
Tere ta’ame
Yerach ben yomoב֪‎יֵרֶח בֶּן יוֹמ֪וֹ‎
Yeraḥ ben yomo

Spanish-Portuguese custom

זַרְקָא֮ מַקַּף־שׁוֹפָר־הוֹלֵ֣ךְ סְגוֹלְתָּא֒ פָּזֵר גָּד֡וֹל תַ֠לְשָׁא תִּ֩ילְשָׁא אַזְלָ֨א גֵּ֜רֵישׁ פָּסֵק  ׀  רָבִ֗יעַ שְׁנֵי־גֵרֵישִׁ֞ין דַּרְגָ֧א תְּבִ֛יר מַאֲרִ֥יךְ טַרְחָ֖א אַתְנָ֑ח שׁוֹפָר־מְהֻפָּ֤ךְ קַדְמָא֙ תְּרֵ֨י־קַדְמִין֙ זָקֵף־קָט֔וֹן זָקֵף־גָּד֕וֹל שַׁלְשֶׁ֓לֶת תְּרֵי־טַעֲמֵ֦י יְ֚תִיב סוֹף־פָּסֽוּק׃

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